The Break-In

My toddler locked himself in, so I smashed the bathroom window and squeezed in. The police showed and arrested me. I explained the misunderstanding and thought to present some documents. But I had none. Then my wife said she didn’t know who I was.

I shall try another house tonight.

Raggy and chums

The Wolf

The very moment that I walked shyly past her, a bloke cycled by and wolf whistled. She turned, not spotting the cyclist, staring accusingly. “Innocent” I shrugged. We chatted, dated, fell madly deeply and married. She still believes I was the whistler. Best leave it that way. Bless you bikeman.

Humpty D

They made Spanish omelette out of Humpty. Even the King’s horses ate it. The wall crumbled and collapsed. Now there’s a seriously pathetic plaque saying, “Humpty fell here”. Tourists flock, snapping pictures. Don’t they know I pushed him? Where’s my place in history? I’m broken too. WHERE’S MY GLORY DUMPTY?


Mario tampered with Paulo’s brakes. But Paulo had sold the van.

Bogden skidded downhill, smashing into a restaurant, killing five.

The restaurateur, depressed, drifted into the abyss. He leapt from a motorway bridge, landing on the windscreen of a moving car.

Mario swerved, broke, and exploded onto the central reservation.

The Hill

Jack and Jill divorced, blaming each other for the accident. No counsellor could persuade them otherwise. Jill remarried (unsuccessfully) and Jack died alone, thick-bearded, following trauma induced schizophrenic episodes that made the local papers. Jill had him interred at the top of the hill, and vowed never to fall again.

The Dismissal

The man I’d fired was a wilting leaf.  His wife had since left and his home was repossessed. I watched him load the revolver and aim the barrel.

You did this,” he said vengefully pulling the trigger.

His brains sprayed out over my filing cabinet.

I’d never liked the bloke.

Star Gazing

We discovered that love alone wasn’t strong enough to bind us. Not forever. She moved to Sacramento with the Beetle (mine) and I stayed just where I was (nowhere). I couldn’t stop her; didn’t try.

Last night I stared again at Orion and hoped she still did. Our final connection.

A Grand Plan – Part 17 (The Pitch)

“They’re stories…tales…they don’t define well…Poems?…Well, not as such…. Anything from slapstick comedy to horror to introspection to sci-fi…As far as the imagination goes…Quite far, actually…Fifty words….No, fifty…Yes…Well…No real reason…Oh I see…Well what about a Mussolini screenplay?”